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House Of Jokes by Chris

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by Chris, Jul 29, 2013.

  1. Chris

    Chris Konvict Guest

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    Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
    A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice

    Q: What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?
    A: Your job still sucks!

    Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
    A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

    Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
    A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

    Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
    A: a $100 bill!

    I will add more later

    Q: Whats long and hard and has cum in it?
    A: a cucumber

    Q: How do you kill a circus clown?
    A: Go for the juggler!

    Q: Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
    A: They couldn't close his casket.

    Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter?
    A: Eve, because she made Adams banana stand

    Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come (cum) in a bottle?
    A: Because his wife died!

    Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision?
    A: a rip off



    Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.

    Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'

    He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!'

    Murphy watches in amazement!

    The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home.'

    So he leaves the site.

    Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

    'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

    'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.




    An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

    The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in."

    The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

    The Irishman nods, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both fell out of the stupid tree and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles. "My wife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!
     
  2. Strad

    Strad Zie Legend

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    What do women and jets have in common

    Cockpits.


    Don't feel offended though, i still love you ladies.
     
  3. Chris

    Chris Konvict Guest

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    A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
    I'm going down to give blood."
    How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
    About $20."
    Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100.
    The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
    The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
    Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
    Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.


    My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing? Apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.


    girl - baby im wet.
    Boy - want a paper towel?
    Girl - no, i want more then that ;)
    Boy - want 2 paper towels?
    Girl - no, baby i want something Long and round ;)
    Boy - damn you want the whole roll?


    One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

    The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.

    The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"


    Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
    Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
    Guy: Do they swell?
    Girl: No. They spread.


    Who's the biggest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 pence that bitch swallowed balls till she died.


    If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don't vampires suck cock?
     
  4. MmmMushrooms

    MmmMushrooms Unregistered/Unconfirmed

    twilight is the the answer for the last joke