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Good morning

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by lepercq, Nov 1, 2014.

  1. lepercq

    lepercq Veteran Member

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    ---------- Post added at 09:18 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:17 AM ----------

    Peppermint


    I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
    I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
    Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him.
    He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
    The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows!
    He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!
    He's like a machine!

    I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.

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    DISNEYLAND
    Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Freeway when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

    FLORIDA OR MOON

    Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'
    CAR TROUBLE

    A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
    Mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
    She says, 'What's the story?'
    He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
    She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

    SPEEDING TICKET


    A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
    She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
    Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

    RIVER WALK

    There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
    The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

    AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

    A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
    'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
    The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
    The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
    'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
    'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

    KNITTING

    A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
    Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
    'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

    BLONDE ON THE SUN

    A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
    The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
    The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
    The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
    'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
    To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

    IN A VACUUM

    A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

    FINALLY,
    THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

    A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'
     
  2. Shader

    Shader Konvict Guest

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  3. lepercq

    lepercq Veteran Member

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    O My Hair is red " REDS RULE "
    Casa

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  4. Jarred

    Jarred KreedzGod

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    That last joke tho
     
  5. lepercq

    lepercq Veteran Member

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    Here are the 20 rules toddlers live by:

    1. You are the family alarm clock. It is your job to wake up at the ass-crack of dawn every day.

    2. ALWAYS crap your pants AFTER leaving the house. Your best bet is to clench those cheeks together until you have left your street, and then EXPLODE!!! To achieve Lege...nd status, do this when your parent is in a huge hurry to get somewhere very important.

    3. Do not be content doing anything for more than two minutes. You have to constantly keep moving. NEVER SLOW DOWN!

    4. If you are not interested in being picked up, get as low to the ground as possible. Think dead weight. Feel free to flail and cry for added difficulty.

    5. If someone tries to take something from you, teach them a lesson by first throwing it, then jumping up and down while making your best "oh you are going to be REALLY sorry," face, then falling to the floor and starting to spaz out, screaming and crying extra loud if you are in public.

    6. If you do not like the food that is served to you, throw it on the ground in disgust, then at your parent, then at the cat/dog. For extra credit smash the remaining food into your hair and clothes. When you are given something to drink immediately dump it in your lap.

    7. Whenever possible terrorize the family pets so they know who is in charge.

    8. NEVER EVER let your parent get the house clean. EVER! Once something is picked up off the floor, put something in its place. A good rule of thumb is dumping out the cat/dog food daily. Feel free to snack on it as well.

    9. You are in control of your sleep schedule. If you do not want to go to sleep, then don't, and if someone really wants you to go to sleep, then definitely do not do it. Do your best to get so tired that you become an evil miserable crying mess. That will show them!

    10. Always do your best to be in the way, including but not limited to: playing at your parents' feet while they are cooking, cleaning, fixing something, talking on the phone, getting ready for work, or doing anything that looks remotely important.

    11. Take ALL of your toys out of the toy box before playing with any of them. This goes for books, too -- rip all of them off the shelf before reading one. Your job is to make a huge mess. Hint: To keep things interesting, never ever play with the same toy or book for more than one minute.

    12. Under no circumstance will you make diaper changes or potty training an easy venture. If poop does not get everywhere then you have failed.

    13. Every time you leave the park throw a fit big enough to make it look like you are being kidnapped. If you are lucky, this will buy you five more minutes on the slide.

    14. The minute you learn to walk, refuse to be held. Insist on walking EVERYWHERE!

    15. The minute you learn to talk, DO NOT STOP! Do not be discouraged if you are not understood -- talk away anyway. It is not your fault if people are too stupid to understand you.

    16. EVERYTHING in this world belongs to you. Feel free to touch it, take it, hide it, throw it, smash it, break it and completely ruin it. HINT: ALL of the telephones in the house belong to you -- store them in the toilet.

    17. Your mantra is, "Catch me if you can you silly fool."

    18. "No!" means, Good job! Keep doing that!

    19. NEVER EVER do anything the first time you are asked.

    20. And last -- the most important code of toddler conduct -- for every five minutes you spend terrorizing your parent(s), sibling(s) and/or pet(s), provide one minute of pure sweet lovin' to ensure complete forgiveness.

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    Happy Caturday

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    ---------- Post added at 12:07 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:04 PM ----------

    Have a great day
    smile
    laugh
    enjoy life
    and be nice to some one :)

    Casa

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  6. lepercq

    lepercq Veteran Member

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    ---------- Post added at 02:22 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:20 PM ----------

    I do not understand sports - what is going on here heheheheh[​IMG][/IMG]

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    sigh :) i have been their - so no comment hehehe[​IMG][/IMG]

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    hum - I have a few pairs of shoes - hehehehehehe i was going to count once and stopped at 500 hehehehehhe[​IMG][/IMG]
     
  7. lepercq

    lepercq Veteran Member

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